i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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