so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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