NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
