I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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