i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
