insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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