Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
