look no pants
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver just had a heart attack.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
