if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize