you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My vagina is very pro this idea
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
