I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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