whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
