Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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