I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
