WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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