How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In other news, I just burned my penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
