Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am midnight drunk by noon
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize