I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
