Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
