For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
