I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Terrible idea I love it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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