He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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