I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
