turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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