Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
