they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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