Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
