does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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