I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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