I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
