Apparently you make a good broom.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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