I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
