I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
