that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
