is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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