Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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