She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
