I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
