Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize