drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
