so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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