Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
