seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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