the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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