awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he puts the penis in happiness.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
