Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
