dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
