No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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