i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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