How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
