Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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