sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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