Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
