I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
