I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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