The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
