I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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