I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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