You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
