Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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