oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
