I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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